There was a "War Room" inside my house for years because I was still carrying the roots from my past. I couldn't understand my husband’s gentleness, sweetness, patience and kindness toward me. This made me more miserable and angry because I never experienced a man like that. I thought he must be a hypocrite. He confused me even more because he didn’t act “like a man.” He didn't fight back, use me, yell at me or abuse me. I thought that something must be wrong with him!!
This went on and on for two years. Shawn kept praying and trusting God. Please understand me, I'm not saying Shawn was a perfect man or a perfect Christian. He also had his own issues that needed to change, but I was the one who needed to change the most.
The only thing that changed my heart and renewed my mind was the word of God. I saw myself through the mirror of God, and I found out that I had a broken heart.
I humbled myself and repented of my sin. I turned away from it. It was painful to let go of my power and my controlling manipulating habits. I used to insist that everything must be my way or no at all. I couldn't trust anyone, especially someone like my husband, because he was so different than me. I didn't trust his abilities. His way of seeing and doing things was too calm, too compassionate, and too gentle for a world full of mean, angry and malicious people. I thought that wouldn't work. We'll lose. We'll go down. Since I was the tough one (in my eyes), I knew better how to deal with life. Therefore, I thought it was best for us that I become the head of the house. The funny thing is - it wasn't working. We were still going down deeper in every area, especially financially.
I had no idea what marriage was all about. I wanted to live the same life after I got married that I did before I got married. I created chaos. It didn't matter what I did or how I did it - it simply didn't work.
At some point, I was very frustrated because of my constant yelling, calling my husband names and disrespecting him. I have to confess even mild physical outbursts (throwing things at him). Nothing was working, instead I was feeling far away from him. I noticed that my husband not only didn’t trust me, but he was afraid of me.
I always thought that my husband needed to change. I always focused on his mistakes and our differences. I thought that my house and everything in it was MINE. I could share it with my husband if I wanted to. I didn’t realize that everything was OURS! I was doing “marriage” my way and not God’s way because I was in the wrong place (as the head and not the rib-helper). It wasn’t working. My anger, my unforgiveness, shame, and jealousy grew bigger and bigger, until I desperately REPENTED - (changed and turned away from my sin) and asked God and my husband to forgive me.
*Meditate on this scripture today: Matthew 7:3
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?
Questions to answer for yourself:
What am I doing wrong?
What do I need to change?
Am I reading my bible and praying?
Am I living two lives?
Am I being honest with my husband?
Are there roots of my past still in my heart?
Do I need to forgive someone from my past?
Make a list of the things that you need to repent of that you have been doing (or did) that are affecting your marriage.