One day, as suicidal thoughts were bombarding my mind, a woman came to my door and introduced me to her Savior, Jesus Christ. I responded that day, unlike my prior dismissals of God’s offer of grace. I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. To be honest, I was not “submissive” to Him. Months after my conversion and confession of faith, I experienced the most amazing miracle in my life. My dead unborn child was raised back to life! (It’s a long story. You can read the details on my Blog page). Even after this miracle, I continued to live my life in sin. Can you believe that? I had a lot in common with Jesus’ generation. Miracles will get attention and confirm the word, but they do not force people to obey the word.
As time progressed, I was desperate to know more about Jesus. Who was this miracle worker in my life? I picked up a Bible and began to read. I discovered that whatever I ask in His name, He will give it to me. My first request was, “Give me a husband. Give me a man that will put your desires before his. Give me a man that will seek you first.” May 19, 2000, I was saying “I DO!” to that man. He was sent by God as the answer to that prayer.
Sadly, because of my past, my husband found me fatherless, confused and bound by fear. I was a very hypocritical and angry person; angry at life and angry at God. I was living a sinful life trying to satisfy my own desires. Of course, no one had to teach me that. I was born with a sinful nature. What I needed was someone to teach me the opposite - how to get rid of sin and live a pure life!
I tried on my own, but it didn't work (it never does!). I wanted to change so bad. I was desperate and hungry for righteousness, but I didn't know how to do this. Every time I tried, it made my life harder and harder. I built spiritual walls in my heart and blamed everyone for my pain. Unforgiveness, jealousy and bitterness flooded my heart, leaving a deep root of disappointment that caused so much confusion about life and God.
After I married my husband, my mind was still the same. I used religion to cover up the pain in my heart, and I demanded my husband to make me happy. I manipulated him to get my way. I wanted him to satisfy all of my desires.
I fought for everything. If he came home from work a few minutes late or a couple minutes early - fight! If there was more money, less money or no money - fight! My "victim" mentality was still there. I lied to some people about my husband. I tried to make some people feel sorry for me because of the "terrible" husband that I had, and then to other people, I would tell them the story of how God brought us together.
I lived two lives. At church I was this sweet woman, who was a victim of her own husband, then at home, I was like the devil himself. I was always thinking the worse about my husband. Yet, the only thing this man did was take care of his family. But I wasn't working, I was a stay-at-home mom taking care of the kids, cooking, cleaning and doing laundry. The busyness of life wasn't enough for my mind. There were still room to entertain evil thoughts. Thoughts of destruction that fed my fears. Little did I know, I found myself looking for signals or evidence that could prove my false accusations against my husband.
One time, my husband came from work and walked into the kitchen. I noticed something on the back of his light blue shirt. Immediately, my mind began to think the worse. I thought it was the evidence that proved my accusations true. I wanted to get a Ziploc bag and put the evidence there in case I would need it in court. Did you know what that evidence was? A long blond hair. I was full of jealousy! After my emotions calmed down, I realized how ridiculous I was acting.
One piece of hair on a windy day in my mind was enough evidence of what I feared the most. I was going crazy. My mind was never at peace. If there was some peace, I was more afraid because being at peace wasn’t “normal” to me.
Questions to answer for yourselves:
-How did I become a christian?
-What is/was my sin challenge?
-Am I struggling with fear?
-Am I a jealous person?
-Do I feel unhappy?
-Am I always angry?
-Am I afraid of my husband being unfaithful to me?
-Am I an insecure woman?
-Do I struggle with depression?
Write down how you met your husband. Make a list of any emotional issues that he found you with because of your past.