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Shamed into Silence (Part - 1)

October 4, 2015

 

I had a great experience with the supernatural miracle that Jesus did for me by bringing my son back to life (see previous post). However, months later, I continued living in sin. I got involved in a relationship with a man. The result of all this of course was a pregnancy that ended up in an abortion. After this, the pain on my heart started to get bigger and bigger with anger and unforgiveness.

 

I knew what I did was wrong, but I needed to end my problem. Instead, I made it worse. Now I was feeling guilty, rejected not only from man, but from God. I carried this for years. This was my secret, my embarrassment, my pain, my shame, and my battle with rejection. I was not able to talk about it. I buried this emotional scar deep within my heart with religion and denial. When I would think about it, I would run away from my thoughts and just convince myself that it was over, that God already forgave me and I would move on.

 


Later, I married my husband Shawn. At this point, when I would hear some one mention abortion, I would get nervous and the condemnation would surface again in my heart. We dedicated our life and our marriage to God, yet I wasn't able to sleep sometimes thinking about this horrible secret of mine. I started to hear more and more people talking about the ugliness of abortion. I knew I was forgiven by God, but I couldn't forgive my self and the one who brought me to that clinic. But God wanted me to be free. The journey of deliverance began one night when my son woke me and Shawn up in the middle of the night. He was crying, saying that he couldn't sleep thinking of children without heads, without arms and without legs. Immediately, everything inside of me began to shake. But I continued denying that I was suffering the emotional and spiritual consequences of my past decision to have the abortion. I would repeat, “God already forgave me, and I am free”. Then a week later, both of my two children had a similar dream simultaneously. They woke us up screaming in terror, saying, “We both had a dream. We saw a lot of children bleeding without heads. They had no arms, and they had no legs”. After this I couldn't help it! I confessed to my husband. Then I thought, “that's it, this is all what it takes, just tell the truth to the man I'm married for life to and move on. I knew that the pain was still there, but I didn't want to confront it. It's easier to denied the pain and struggle, than deal with it. Who wants to go back to their past and pull out roots of anger, bitterness, unforgiveness and rejection.
 

One day our pastor determined that he needed to obey God and call all of the women and men in the congregation that were victims of abortion to pray at the altar. That was my moment!! The moment of reality. We were leaders at the church and my husband was on staff in the ministry. I felt confused if I should go to the altar or continue covering my pain and denying my past. I even thought about not responding to what the pastor was asking and then later after service just sneaking into the group. But, something stronger than all of that, deep inside of me said, “do you want to be free?” and I responded to that voice with my actions. I ran to the altar and stood right in front of our pastor. He prayed for us, and kept saying, “God wants to deliver you and set you free”. That day they invited us to attend a training to volunteer in a Woman’s Crisis Pregnancy Center. During that training I discovered the truth about abortion. It is an extremely dangerous procedure that not only eliminates the life of the unborn child, but can also eliminate the life of the mother. Honestly, I have first hand knowledge that abortion, destroy us “women” emotionally, mentally, and spiritually!!

 

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